What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:09
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I write beautiful poetry .
What would explain Trump blaming Ukraine for starting the war with Russia?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She loved him until the end.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I waited trembling.
Why do I smell bad even though I have good hygiene?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
What are the 10 things you regret doing in your life?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why didn't Taylor Swift do Taylor Swift (Taylors version)?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why do wives cheat with black guys?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Is it wise to choose your family over your honor?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One cannot live in the past .
He knew the spot.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im still living with it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She wouldn,t have been !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We all went to grammer schools
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We were not on the streets..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i lived it daily.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She married twice! .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it wasn’t much.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So whats the point in blame.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It was going to be , some day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She found it foreign!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What did i know ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I said to her
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I could never make a relationship work though!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ive learnt so much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
All the time i was locked up.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was scared of men, in general
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My family never makes their pension either.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was seconnd youngest,
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She was in good health!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Would this be the day?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When she asked me how she looked .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Who then, do I blame.?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
So, i spoilt her more .
I don,t even have a pension.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Was to survive, this bastard.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I think the readers, may guess!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Comes on , in middle age.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
(And it was in our own minds.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He resisted the act ,that day.
But, we were locked up after school.
This is soul school!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My life is so biszare .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I have no regrets .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I will be 64.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was very sick at this time too.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But ive been too sick for many years..